An Unforgiving Relationship

I am controlled by my pain. I am consumed by it. I am in an unforgiving relationship with my illness. I want to walk away, but I fear it’s for life. It is changing me,

I am controlled by my pain. I am consumed by it. I am in an unforgiving relationship with my illness. I want to walk away, but I fear it’s for life.

It is changing me, maybe forever. I find I am not proud of it. In fact, it brings me a fair amount of shame. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

Photo by Gabriel Matula on Unsplash

I’m so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of running on pure anxiety and an insomniac mind. Never stopping. Never getting any relief. When is the relief coming? I feel like I’m drowning.

Photo by Ian Espinosa on Unsplash

I continue to write as if the words that I type could be some sort of magic healing power. Like it’s this miraculous resource that I just needed to find and tap into.

I try, try, and try again to remember myself.

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Unknown

7 thoughts on “An Unforgiving Relationship

  1. I wish I could tell you all of this goes away! It doesn’t. I will tell you the first 10 years with this chronic pain disease is the worst! All you do is fight to get well, then just to make it through a month, a week, a day! It does get better. The disease is chronic but your ability to find things that bring you some relief will come. You must grieve for the person you were before illness and welcome this new person who has arrived. The reality of what is eventually settles in and you learn to live your best life within the limitations. Grieve, Sierra. And start again. You can do this, I promise you! You can contact me anytime. ~Kim

    1. Thank you so very much for your sweet words Kim! I am trying so hard to accept this new version of myself, but days like today prove harder to overcome. Thank you for your much needed dose of optimism!!

  2. I can really relate here Sierra. I’m so sorry this is where you are. Beautifully written. Sometimes I can’t decide which is worse: the pain and symptoms or the mental aspects of those. Kim is right, though. After a while you will somehow forge a relationship with your Illness and acceptance will come. This won’t always control you. Because you are stronger than your illness. Truly.

    1. It is hard to feel like you are constantly fighting and not getting anywhere. I think I am far from acceptance and somewhere in denial, but I am working on it. Thank you for your kind words Stacey!

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