Opening up

I think along time ago, like in my teens, I would’ve been considered an extrovert. I was mostly outgoing and was even voted “Most Talkative” my senior year. No, seriously! Now I find myself panicking,

I think along time ago, like in my teens, I would’ve been considered an extrovert. I was mostly outgoing and was even voted “Most Talkative” my senior year. No, seriously! Now I find myself panicking, trying to muster up the courage to share this with people. Especially people I know, like friends. This blog, sharing all of these details about my life…I kept it all in for a reason. This feeling. This feeling of total exposure. This terrible clenching knot in my stomach that is now just another nuisance keeping me up at night.

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

I think I have definitely become more introverted as an adult. I have retreated from all things social over the last 6 years or so. I ended up feeling paralyzed by the fear that I wouldn’t feel up to the activity, or that I wouldn’t be able to travel the distance for the important family get together without such an increase in pain and other symptoms. During this time I also stopped being active on social media, for the most part. I didn’t even reach out for help until recently, nor did I give anyone the chance to share their story and wisdom with me. I’ve segregated myself as a way to cope with the feeling of loss. I felt I was losing ME. Hibernating has done nothing for my mental health either.

I know, I know, we shouldn’t talk about mental health, right?! We keep it in and suffer in silence for fear that others may shun us, like we have the plague or something. And it isn’t talked about in crowds, like we talk about all of our successes. Of course not! It was no surprise for me when they told me I was fighting depression. Really? You don’t say. Nothing was the same anymore. Of course, I am someone who loves change, but this wasn’t the kind of change I was looking for.

I was really looking for an answer. An answer that would explain everything, all of the symptoms, not just pieces. It took me a good amount of time (which is no problem when you don’t sleep and you’re no longer working due to your illness) to come to terms with the fact that there just may not be an end in sight. I may never find the cure-all for this. Depending on what happens next, I may have no choice but to stay medically retired. It’s a hard realization to come to.

Now, don’t take the tone of that last paragraph as me throwing in the towel and accepting the defeat. After all, I’m still here and I plan on seeing this through.

4 thoughts on “Opening up

  1. Sierra! I have just found your blog. This post is outstanding. I get the retreat! I get the safety of becoming an introvert. I definitely know that is chronic illness. Pain, depression, anxiety… and more. I look forward to following your journey. Thank you for sharing your story! ~Kim

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