The Current

I don’t sleep much in the night, maybe 2-4 hours each night on average, and don’t feel rested even if by some odd chance I get more than that. I walk around like a zombie

I don’t sleep much in the night, maybe 2-4 hours each night on average, and don’t feel rested even if by some odd chance I get more than that. I walk around like a zombie looking to feed, only I’m so nauseated that I just suffer through it. Without the much needed rest, my mind races like a river rushing across the rocks and washing out the tide. Though it’s choppy and rough waters most of the time, there is always an exceptional day. A day where the river is as still as a moment. When it looks as though it is solid and as smooth as glass, never to be broken by a touch. Those are the days that I live for!

You know, the days where the thoughts come in easy, and words flow without the constant rush? Those days I can usually accomplish the things I had been neglecting, and not be in more pain for it. The good days, where the sun can shine and not make me retreat into my darkened cave away from the hustle and bustle which is daily life. I try to soak it in, and let the sun shine on me for the moment.

Photo by Paweł Czerwiński on Unsplash

The days where I feel like I am being washed out with the tide are hard to overcome. I find myself treading water, so to speak, but not getting anywhere. The current takes me, not my own two feet. It feels like I’ve lost control; control of my mind, my body, and my spirit. The fight to gain some semblance of control could be what is always exhausting me. I fight so hard against where the current takes me that I sometimes get swept under and end up feeling like I’m drowning. These are the days that I am most familiar with as they occur more often than the others. This level of defeat gets me down from time to time, but I put a solid effort into “normal”, as do many people living with chronic pain.

I can’t allow myself to be consumed. I push forward, fighting the current with everything I have. Today feels like it will be a defeat for me, but I got this post written so it’s not going to be a total loss. Writing this blog is my outlet as I have kept most of this to myself over the years.

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