I want to be able to do what I want, when I want, and I want to be able to do it by MYSELF!…Ok…fit’s over…It’s a tall order lately and isn’t really in the realm
I want to be able to do what I want, when I want, and I want to be able to do it by MYSELF!…Ok…fit’s over…It’s a tall order lately and isn’t really in the realm of my reality. It can make me feel so inadequate. The funny thing is that this feeling of inadequacy has found its way right into the world of chores in my house. Chores! Of all the ridiculous things to latch on to I know, but well, this is where my stubbornness really takes over.
I still want to clean my bathroom. I mean, I want to clean the toilet, I want to clean the shower, but definitely the toilet! I know it sounds weird, but I get a great satisfaction out of cleaning. Cleaning in general has always been a way for me to blow off steam from the day. No matter the situation, I would just clean until I felt better, which usually meant a pretty clean house. I just like things to be clean and organized and find it’s better for my overall well-being.
This cleaning thing has been a bone of contention in my house for a long time. Years ago my family would lovingly chant, “Mommy is a clean freak, Mommy is a clean freak” because I was constantly running around cleaning up something. I never expected anyone to jump in to help me maintain that level or frequency of cleaning either, or to stop making messes, not that it should’ve been too hard. I do have to admit that I was a little bit of a spaz with the whole thing. I just constantly liked to clean, clean, clean! The family did question my madness about it.
The problem is now I can’t accomplish many chores without some help, which I hate to ask for anyway. And some chores aren’t even an option for me to do anymore, like getting down on my hands and knees to clean the floors. And, quite frankly my helpers don’t see why it’s necessary to be able to eat off the floor when we have a perfectly fine dining room table to eat at. Ok, point taken. Lower the expectations. Got it!
Patience? No, I wasn’t blessed with patience so I’m impossible to deal with sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for anything that anyone offers to do, however, I hate the fact that I need the help to accomplish it, so I’d rather just say ‘no’ to them. And, I hate that I can’t just get up, grab the cleaner, and get down and dirty by myself. So basically what I’m saying is that I’m a bit of a spaz when it comes to messes, and that to even begin to try to manage all of this I need to have a clean, organized environment, or it’s just total chaos.
I think when you feel yourself losing control, you grasp for that control anywhere you can find it. I guess this is no exception. I am sure many people would be thrilled to have others cleaning for them, but not me. And it’s not just that, I feel like I’ve lost control of things. The things I used to be able to do are slowly fading away. They seem like distant memories and now I can’t imagine myself being able to do some of them. It feels like I’m losing my independence.
It’s a hard realization to come to and one that keeps smacking me in the face. I wish I was a laid-back kind of person that could just let it all roll off her shoulders, but I wasn’t born with the chill bone. The word “relax” was, and still is, lost on me. I am more the type to push and push until I break, which is not helpful here.
I’ve learned that this is not something to simply shake off, but it is something to conquer. I am still learning my limitations and boundaries, and I am certain that I will continue to push them, because hey, I just wouldn’t be me if I didn’t. Where’s the scrub brush?!