Trust Issues

I have been trying to be so positive lately. Finding beauty in a world that is so dark and ugly to me right now. But, it’s like everything as I know it is presumably wrong.

I have been trying to be so positive lately. Finding beauty in a world that is so dark and ugly to me right now. But, it’s like everything as I know it is presumably wrong. Like it’s a false front for what is really happening in my world, which is really quite terrifying for me.

 

 

Don’t trust everything you see…Even salt looks like sugar.

Maryum Ahsam

 

 

I have this churning knot in my stomach that just won’t go away. It’s sticking around to remind me of everything that is going wrong right now, but I haven’t forgotten. There is no distraction big enough, no metal heavy enough, nothing I can watch, read, or write to keep my mind clear of my dark thoughts.

 

During hard times like these, we retreat into ourselves thinking that we need to internalize the problem. We knead it over and over like it is a dense chunk of bread dough. Only in my case, I am not strong enough to knead the dough as long as it requires. So, it is left a lumpy mess. It is in pieces. It is not in a harmonious state, it is in a dissociated state. It doesn’t look or feel like bread dough, but you know that if you keep working on it, it will turn out a beautiful loaf.

 

 

Photo by Nadya Spetnitskaya on Unsplash

 

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Khalil Gibran

 

My emotions are running wild. I’m told I look sad on the outside, well, sad and tired. But on the inside I am screaming, tearing at my skin, and pulling at my hair. I may just look sad and tired on the outside, but on the inside it is war.

 

 

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

 

 

I have to remember that I am strong enough for anything. I can fight anything. ANYTHING! I may not aways win and it may be a horribly painful experience, but I am a strong, determined fighter who is ready for the challenge. Broken or not, I want to be the light in the constant darkness that follows me. I am going to stand up and continue to battle whatever comes my way.

8 thoughts on “Trust Issues

  1. You are absolutely strong enough and absolutely capable of fighting the universe! I hope you always remember that! Sending love <3

    1. Thank you so much V! I know that I know what I am capable of, but for some reason it skips my mind in times of crisis. I need to try to stick with your positive vibe and we’ll see what happens. 🙂

  2. This really touched my heart. I’ve been feeling the exact same way lately. But you’re absolutely right. You’ve been fighting and holding on, and so can I. Thanks for inspiring me. Keep fighting!

  3. This could be my story as well. The past few months have been tough. It’s really OK to acknowledge things just s*ck sometimes! Each day is a new beginning. We must try, and try again. Use your toolbox! ~k.

    1. I really do try to remember that each day has a chance to be something different, but it gets harder to realize when the days are so rough. I am looking for the much needed break, you know? I hope things start looking up for you Kim! 🙂

      1. That’s one thing that is always on the horizon, the break. But I do often wonder, just how much more can I take until that break comes? Well, we’ve both been successful in handling the rough days 100% of the time. We will get through this one too. Have a good weekend!

      2. Yes Kim! We have a great track record so far 🙂 You have a great weekend too! Thanks!

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