Broken Illusions

Here I sit, once again, feeling like a fool for thinking that things were looking up, and that I was gaining traction in my life. Naturally, I’ve been knocked back a few pegs and am

Here I sit, once again, feeling like a fool for thinking that things were looking up, and that I was gaining traction in my life. Naturally, I’ve been knocked back a few pegs and am painfully reminded that I am not. This feels so typical now. Just once I would like the illusion to be real.

Photo by Paul Varnum on Unsplash

My insomniac mind is running on overtime trying process an insurmountable level of emotions that seem to be crawling out of the woodwork. I am so not used to this! I suppose at some point along the journey I decided to be a less emotional type of girl, and started suppressing my emotions surrounding everything and everyone. I knew I had put up walls and distanced myself, but I didn’t realize just to what extent I had shut myself down.

Well, now I am on a wild ride and can’t seem to slow down the rollercoaster of emotions. It’s as if the glass has shattered and I am seeing things clearly for the first time. I’ve been so overwhelmed by it all. The infrastructure that once was the foundation of my life is now in ruins. It’s up to me to find harmony in the way the pieces find their way back to each other.

Life will be different. It will look and feel different from here on out, and I am still working on acceptance. I like to think that when we adapt to our ever changing lives that we become who we are, or who we were meant to be. Life challenges us in ways that we can’t prepare for, so we are forced to dig deep into ourselves for the courage needed in those times.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars

Kahlil Gibran

In the past I have wished for a break from all of this. I have wanted any amount of time where I could just feel like myself again, no real pain or symptoms to speak of, you know? It sounds good, but I think my thinking is wrong here.

What I really want is to be stronger than I feel. I want to feel like I can get through anything that comes my way, no matter how tall the order. Whether I can be honest with myself or not, I know I become stronger with every challenge I face. I prove to myself over and over that I can, and will get through this. I suffer, but it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.

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