The days have all been running together, and whether it is day or night has seemed irrelevant for weeks. I sleep if and when I can, morning or night, but I am certainly not on
The days have all been running together, and whether it is day or night has seemed irrelevant for weeks. I sleep if and when I can, morning or night, but I am certainly not on any kind of schedule. Every day has seemed like the last lately, so it has been impossible to keep track of time passing. The bigger issue is that my anxiety is through the roof, and I couldn’t be more annoyed by it. It’s keeping me downright distracted.
I admit that I haven’t been great about implementing all techniques that have been recommended to me, but I have tried several. I tried breathing exercises and meditation, though I am really not good at either. I have a hard time getting to the point where I am relaxed enough to actually meditate, or to do some real effective deep breathing. I need to keep working on it!
Picturing my safe place where I feel at peace with the world is another thing that I have tried. You know, the safe place you are asked to come up with if you’ve had any kind of therapy in your life. A place where you feel completely comfortable. A place where no on can harm you. You think of this place and picture yourself there. This is supposed to calm you and make you feel better by giving yourself a positive visual perspective. I did this, but still, nothing is really working to distract me away from the thoughts that are plaguing me.
I keep noticing that I will have slipped off into the dark and the next thing I know I feel weighted down, like I am locked in heavy metal chains. I have to pull myself back out in those moments and it won’t matter what I am picturing to try to keep myself out of it. I just feel crazed lately, like I don’t have a handle on anything. It feels like I’m in disaster mode or something. I can’t seem to get a grasp on it.
The funny thing is that it is the polar opposite of where I am at otherwise, so I am feeling very disjointed at the moment. Emotionally I feel very deconstructed and fragile in so many ways, where as mentally I feel like I am charged to take on whatever comes at me next. I feel somewhat strong and powerful like I’ve got this.
I’m currently at a point where I feel ready. I have goals. I have plans to meet those goals. And I feel like it is the right time to start putting them into motion. My excitement for what I have planned is overwhelming, but in a way that couldn’t be more intriguing. I am both terrified and ecstatic for what could happen. I know that I still have limitations due to my beasts, but I think that I was careful in my planning.
I took all things into consideration and made my decisions based on where my life is today. Based on what I am capable of doing TODAY. Not on what I think I might be able to pull off if I just get a little bit stronger. I think I have accepted my limitations, for what they are now, and I think I was able to do it in a healthy way.
It’s a constant fight, but I am up for it. Every day can be more challenging than the last, so it’s learning to live through the fight. I am planning for what I can accomplish to really live my life while this is happening, as it doesn’t appear to being going away anytime soon.
Here I go again, venturing out of my comfort zone, like I did with this blog. There is something fulfilling about being in the rut of chronic illness, and deciding that you are really going to live, regardless of the choices it is making for you. It’s extremely liberating!!
I am ready!