Fearless Friday

The best way out is always through. Robert Frost I haven’t written in a while…I haven’t had the courage to sit down and let my emotions run wild again. I am feeling too much lately.

Photo by Zwaddi on Unsplash

The best way out is always through.

Robert Frost

I haven’t written in a while…I haven’t had the courage to sit down and let my emotions run wild again. I am feeling too much lately. My overwhelming anxiety has taken over and I can no longer fight it on my own. I feel like a fool in this body with this mind.

These anxiety fueled feelings are keeping me from doing the things that I am still able to do, mostly it’s keeping from doing things I enjoy. Add with that the amount I’ve already lost due to being chronically ill, and I feel like it must be a cruel joke, right? I decided it can’t stay this way.

I’m to the point now where I tell myself something daily, “You have to live your life, Sierra, not just survive it.” I’d heard it before and it made sense, but I think it means something different to me now. I think I finally realized that I hadn’t really been living my life. I mean really living it. Not with these chronic illnesses, and not with all of these uncertainties around every corner. I froze waiting for things to improve, but they didn’t.

I am slowly starting to realize where things may have gone wrong and what I might be able to do to correct them. I can’t have it all, but I can certainly maximize my strengths. I don’t want to let fear of the next flare up, or just an increase in my other symptoms keep me from trying new things or from venturing past where I’ve already been. I don’t want to look back and realize that I wasted everything because I couldn’t accept my truth. I want to explore all the possibilities within these capabilities.

Photo by Ruben Engel on Unsplash

The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.

Eleanor Roosevelt

3 thoughts on “Fearless Friday

  1. Oh Sierra! I’ve been where you are. Feeling like an idiot for believing things would improve but they did not. Waiting to get better, and not. Refusing medications that could’ve benefitted me much earlier… depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, PTSD… the list goes on and on like a perverted grocery list. Then it hits you. You gotta work things out with the body you have NOW. The abilities you have NOW. Finding your way, navigating your boundaries, look so very different from before you got sick. But you got this! You WILL figure this out, you will be successful in it. You will fall, and you will get back up every time more determined than ever. You definitely got this, my friend!

    1. Acceptance is so hard! I want my old life back in so many ways, but I am finding joy in this new version of myself. I have slowed down enough to appreciate things in life that I never would’ve before. I am always looking for a positive spin I can put on the worst situation, but the fact that it repeats itself so frequently leaves me unable to from time to time…No excuses though! I am determined to get through this! I will get up when I fall! And I appreciate you being in my corner 🙂 Thanks Kim! <3

  2. I am and will always be in your corner! And some days just suck. I still have my pity party for one on a given day. Still. New day, new chance at success or failure, you got a 50/50 shot! The game of chronic illness…

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